


Aches

by anotherjadedwriter



Series: College Affairs [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, Hurt and comfort, Multi, polyromantc relationship, sadloz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 07:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3439298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherjadedwriter/pseuds/anotherjadedwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You wish they expected something from you, or wanted to take, but they just give and give. It's motherfucking terrifying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aches

Kankri is sitting in the corner of the couch, tapping away on his phone, and you’ve got your head in his lap, all sleepy-like. Rufioh is poking around on his computer, his lap holding up your legs, and when you shuffle, he looks up at you with a little smile. Kankri pets your hair from your face.

They’re both so warm, not just in their hands (which feel lovely, thanks) but how rosy they’re being, Rufioh occasionally showing you something on his computer, Kankri’s free hand slipping into yours idly while he mouths scripture you don’t understand; probably latin. He likes latin, even though he’s not a catholic. He says it has a lot more life in it.

You breathe in slowly, let it out, and hold for a second. They’re so warm. So gentle, even, like they’re sure you’re breakable, both of them are, and you know you act the same with them, only  _ever_  causing the pain you know they like, the kind they ask for. Your breath gets heavy when you think about them hurting without you there, without you to guide them because you know pain so well, you know it better than you ever let on, and they’re so clean and fresh.

Your chest feels too tight to breathe, suddenly, but you can’t make yourself move from them. It’s like the pain you feel when you see Mituna struggling through a fucked up mood swing, but not the same at all. It’s that, and Meulin when she zones out and you can tell she’s thinking about things that make her hurt. It’s all of that, and you can see slivers of this ache in the pains you feel with and for them. Too much, too much ache, it makes you want to cry, it makes you want to scream.

Kankri, the worrier, notices.

"Hey." Kankri murmurs, thumb stroking your knuckles. "Kurloz, are you okay?" He sets his phone on your chest his free hand resting on your forehead. "Do you need to go to bed?"

You shrug, shake your head, and try for a smile. His little frown gets deeper. You stop trying and just shrug again, turning halfway to tuck your face under his shirt. You don’t want to discuss it, but he pulls you out and looks at you, and now Rufioh is interested, closing his laptop and climbing over you, all soft hands and wanting for attention. Your throat gets tighter at how he doesn’t press to you like he wants anything.

Choking, you shake your head fast. You’re altogether too close to them, too close and too tight and you try to fight from their holds but they don’t try to hold you too still, just keeping you from falling. Kankri stands after you, looking too concerned, he looks so worried over you and it fucking hurts, it’s motherfucking painful how  _raw_  he is for you because you’re just  _you_  and you’re not the strong thing he needs and he has that in Rufioh and—

The first sob makes you double over, and by the time the second hits you they’re both wrapped around you, shushing you and not even asking why, and you lean into them both, sobbing hard and making terrible, gasping little sounds. Kankri is speaking, soft and low, and Rufioh is holding you tight against him, like he’s got no idea what to say but he’s willing to try, and it fucking  _hurts_.

"Kurloz, shh." He murmurs, stroking your back. "Kurloz, tell us what’s wrong, please. Let me help you."

"Ghh!" You gasp, hands tangling in their shirts. You want to tell them not to care about you, but they wouldn’t listen, anyway.

Kankri pets your hair, telling Rufioh not to hold you so tight, before refocusing on you. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Kurloz.” He lies, because ‘okay’ is not ‘sitting on the fucking floor bawling over something stupid’.

It takes you altogether too long to reply to him, your hands shaking and your face getting hotter when Rufioh wipes your face with his shirt.

 _Too close._ You say.  _Too close too close you shouldn’t._

Kankri pulls your hands to himself and kisses your knuckles. “Kurloz, we love you. I love you. Please, I know that being in a committed relationship isn’t something you like but, but, I don’t want you to stop spending time with us. I don’t want to lose this, but if you need me, or both of us to back up, we can.” His face is so sad, and Rufioh is stiff when he speaks.

"We can leave you alone. I, if you’re happier without us, or me, or whatever, I can back off." His voice is soft, hurt. "Just tell me."

You sob again, force some kind of ‘no’ sound out of your throat and pull them close again. You feel gross wiping your tears and stuff on them but they keep you where you are, close, and you can’t help it. Kankri’s fingers are pressing, rubbing the tightness out of your shoulders, and Rufioh is kissing your hair, your scalp, and you keep whimpering like they’re hitting you. It’s too soft, too gentle, you wish they’d expect of you, you know what to do when someone thinks they deserve something from you.

But them, they’re just touching you, not asking anything, not at all, giving you everything you can’t ask for and you keep trying to give them something, your mouth trailing messy on their clothed shoulders and chests, but they just hold you, kissing your hair and cheeks and, you notice, gently shifting you off the floor and holding you between them. Your hands shake when you reply.

 _Don’t. Don’t leave don’t leave me please_. You sniffle.  _I love you both so motherfucking much don’t leave me don’t leave don’t leave-_ -

Kankri wraps you up against him, sighing with relief and kissing your jaw, your neck, quietly repeating what you’d signed to Rufioh and then you’re squashed between them, Rufioh holding you and saying “we’re right here, we’re not leaving you, we’ve got you, shh” and you keep hearing that ‘we’ and it’s so relieving to hear that, that they’re both there with you, that it’s all of you and not you and one of them and no one else.

You find your breath. Rufioh keeps you close, Kankri leans back to look you over and wipes your face, smiling a watery smile, before he kisses you, soft. “I was worried you didn’t like us. I’m so glad, Kurloz, I love you. I love you so much.” His voice breaks on the last word and he just leans his forhead to yours.

"I love you. I love you and I want you to stay with us. I love you both." Rufioh kisses your ear, speaking soft and low. "I love you both, Kurloz, Kankri."

Kissing them is the best you can do, shivering hard between them, waiting for them to tell you they’re wrong, lying, joking, but they don’t, they kiss you back so soft and sweet and soothing that you almost doze off until they lead you to stand. You let them take you to bed and try to squirm out of your clothes but they just pet you and wrap up around you and tell you that they love you, that you should rest, and you’re so out of your league with neither of them wanting to make you make those nasally noises you do when you come, you’re not sure what to do if they want you but they don’t want you naked, at least right then.

They ease you out of wakefulness with little kisses and pets and you feel like you’re just melting between them, and then you’re asleep.

They’re both there when you wake up, Kankri tucked up against your back and Rufioh petting your hair while he watches some movie, and you’re using his thigh as a pillow. He lets you kiss him and you’re just, content. Lax and content and not worked up for anything, and it’s so fucking nice to just lay with them, and you do end up making out a little but that’s all, you crawl out of bed and order some take out and watch movies and go back to bed later, and it’s nice not to need to get them naked or drunk to hear “I love you”, it makes your chest ache just like it does when Mituna or Meulin do.

It’s a good ache, you think.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Kurloz being really hard to show affection to idk.  
> if you enjoyed this, consider tipping me here: https://ko-fi.com/A781PZJ


End file.
